October 6, 2013

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The moon electric slides with three planets: Saturn, Mercury and Venus. A triple conjunction. On this day six years ago Jason Lewis completed the first human-powered circumnavigation of the earth. The ladder skydives. I freefall like a parachute chasing its human — the briefest hover, then crash. A kicked pile of bones. A sack of potatoes. So heavy. A surprise every time. They talk about life flashing but I see no past. Keith was firecracker, flame flutter. Sparks backflipping off the concrete with the speed of prophecy. He was 31 when he died. I am 31, in midair. Being reborn again.

October 7, 2013

I lay on the couch, foot elevated and bandaged, and try to read the National Strength and Conditioning Association manual.  It’s hard to focus. I want to move, not read about movement. I spent last year devoted to a meditation practice, electing to sit still. Pioneering an expanse on two square pillows, in front of a worn wooden altar with a candle I can’t see with my eyes closed, but whose flame I can still sense, peeling layers of inherited identity from my Self, and mostly learning to be grateful. I want to pray that I can resume my life, that this is a minor blip, but a deeper feeling chides me for the selfish prayer.

I wish that my intention to be a warrior, be a vehicle for grace, didn’t mean this. Didn’t mean this is going to get worse. The shrewd spine of self awareness is: I know that is exactly what this means. Know I posted this Adyashanti passage everywhere: Make no mistake about it – enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the façade of pretense. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.

 

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Brooklyn, 2013 (photo by Barbie Frudakis)

 

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